Someone posted in another group a few days ago, an excellent question about balancing age privileges/freedoms for kids so here’s some thoughts of mine.
I lay in bed one Saturday morning many years ago listening to the neighbours two kids fighting over the front seat. They were a good bit older than ours at the time and I remember thinking “Dear LORD it doesn’t go on THAT long does it?!?” I’d been having the same kinds of squabbles between our then 3 kids so that very day I made a roster for a car seating plan. As more kids came along it stayed relatively simple, but once height and leg room, and big boy egos smile emoticon entered the fray, it was trickier again.
Current snapshot of our 7 – oldest daughter married, 6 still at home (sort-of). 3 boys all finished school and working full time but often with different days off through the week (22, 19, 17). 3 girls in school (15, 13 and 6). So a wide age range and wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide scope of freedoms.
As the kids get older (early-mid teens) we’d talk to each one about their childhoods… that there was innocence and fun and freedom from fear… about the complexity of big family and that as they get older, asking their Dad or me about things is not about being babied, it’s about making the whole family ‘work’. As far as knowing who is where and when, I am the hub… while Dad is actually more likely to give permission for certain things, I’m the one who knows what each member of the house is doing each day so particularly when they are relying on me for lifts etc, everything has to go through me.
For instance if they want to have a shower at not their ‘normal’ time of day they need to/should check with me first – not because they need permission (a biggie for young teens to understand) but because I’M the one that knows if that works with the other family members (if someone’s going out in 15 mins and needs the bathroom, or if the oldest boy is coming home and needs the shower ASAP – as he’s a plumber – gets pretty grotty!). So getting through to them about the difference between permission and practicality has helped in our house.
Another example – TV. The older ones can watch different kinds of shows to the younger ones but our stance has always been that this is a FAMILY home. It is, yes, a home of individuals but more importantly in a way, it is a home that has to work right down to the youngest member. That means if the younger ones are around, the only thing on the telly in the main room – is what isn’t going to harm or frighten or otherwise negatively impact – the younger ones. Because the boys often have days off in the week and they can stay up later – they get their chance for those things but Miss 6 and Miss 13 etc WILL be able to move freely in the home at any time they are awake. If they need reminding, I always ask them if they appreciated their own young years – which thankfully they do – and let them know that’s the very same childhood we’re all responsible to provide the younger members.
The ways we think about freedoms – not just across age spans, but also between closer age siblings and even INDIVIDUAL freedoms is like this…
#1 Firstly deciding what the age appropriate freedoms are in our own family coz not every family does things the same and in ours, we’ve tried to make very little about age as possible. The more variables there are, in some ways the better they can accept when things need to be worked out for another reason than age alone which leads me to…
#2 Life appropriate freedoms. Leg length in the car is one of these. Physical need trumps taking turns. But in time all will have the same physical need and all will get their turn! Sometimes there are other reasons someone jumps the gun for a valid reason. Our Miss 13 (a week away from 14) has just passed her Bronze medallion to the annoyance of Miss 15 who hasn’t yet. We ‘make’ all ours get to their Bronze before they can stop going to Vacswim but much as Miss 15 would like Miss 13 to have to keep going, we wont be insisting as she’s earned it. So in this case ‘life freedom’ trumps ‘age freedom’. Another example is that our oldest son left school for an apprenticeship at 15 so he had some life freedoms that went beyond his older sister who was still in school for the next two years.
#3 Are they capable? Simple. Sort of. But just because they can, doesn’t mean they should.
#4 Are they responsible? Not so simple but almost always the best indicator of being ready for a freedom.
#5 Are they respectful? Can be tricky. In our house, if a kid asks for something disrespectfully, the answer is no. Or maybe they are told to come have another crack at it later and with a better attitude. If what they want – such as to watch a scary movie at 4pm in the afternoon – is not considering the needs of the other family members, the answer/result is also no.
#6 Are they considerate? Can be downright difficult… I often hear mums lamenting about their kids not seeing them as real people… point 6 above also is to include ME. MUM. DAD. AND YOU! Not that we shouldn’t do what we can… but there are and should be limits on the hoops and contortions we put ourselves into.
Not ALL these things can be in balance at the same time BUT they are helpful in figuring out what to do.
I used to say that yes – it IS unfair. Life IS unfair but its unfair for everyone in different ways so its fair!
The newness and constancy that we needed to keep figuring out what to do with certain scenarios was/is tiring. But launching ahead with our best efforts at fairness, looking decisive and firm (fake it) figuring out our family guidelines and responses – almost like having family policies on how to respond to certain things, have all helped. And the longer we’ve been at it… the more of a groove we’ve found with it… and the more easily the younger ones fall into step. E.g. Our rules around TV/movies etc… I might get asked longingly for a particular thing which I might agree to or not – but NEVER at a time outside what I decided on about 15 years ago!! I honestly cannot remember the last time someone asked me for TV at a time we simply never have it on. That’s what I mean about falling into step. I hope that helps a bit. And if you want to bounce more ideas… bounce away…