The 5 Love Languages. Or is it 7? Or are there even more? “Love languages” may be a topic you’ve never heard of before, something you’re sick to death of hearing about, or something somewhere in the middle. Whichever it is for you, I’ve been thinking on them a bit lately.
A few weeks ago a little group sat on a porch in Bassendean chatting about love languages… and today a friend asked me a question that also prompted some fresh thoughts.
First, for those that haven’t heard of them…
The idea is that there are ways in which we give and receive love that are natural to each person – but issues occur when one speaks/feels love in ways differently to another. It shows how learning to ‘speak’ the language of the person/people we love, can add depth, appreciation, a sense of loving (both in giving and receiving) whether adults or kids.
Here is the most famous list… idea being that people primarily speak 1 or 2 of them the most and others waaaaaaay down the list.
1. Quality Time
2. Words of Encouragement
3. Physical Touch and Closeness
4. Acts of Service
5. Gift giving
There are books and links you can read if you’re new to this (see first comments below) but this post is also for those who’ve lived with the ideas for a long time.
Clichés become clichés because they hold a truth. And sometimes a thing seems trite because we’ve heard it so often we stop hearing the depth of its message. And sometimes we realise a thing doesn’t continue to scratch the itch because it isn’t complete.
Maaaaaaaaaaaany years ago – even before we learnt Love Languages in a parenting course, I’d read a book that contained just one chapter about love, in which it mentioned 7 love languages. “SEVEN!!” – I hear you dyed-in-the-Love-Language-Wool folk gasp?!
Yes… seven. It contained the 5 above but also two more besides.
They were:
6. Opportunity giver
7. Provider
These I have come to love, recognise and consider more in recent years for a few reasons.
I’m a person who will throw lots of ideas in the general direction of anyone who doesn’t tell me to shut up. I am not offended or rebuffed if people say “no… not for me… don’t want to…” right things click for right people at right times… it’s not about control… its about offering ideas and opportunities. Any of the Love Languages could be used for manipulation, but given with a free hand, Opportunity Giver is one to consider.
And Provider… I think this one is glossed over and somewhat maligned and we are the poorer for it. I think that in the backlash to the previous generational parenting swings, we’ve missed something very important.
When I think of my Granpa – I see Provider in his LL list. At his memorial and hearing the stories of his life, one that sticks with me, was from my Dad who spoke of hearing Granpa whistling hymns in the early morning hours as he put on his boots on the back steps of their house in Canarvon. Droughts and floods wiping out their harvests, day after day whistling worship as he readied for his day. That is not only loving God, that was loving his family.
But why should there only be 5? Or 7? If God is eternal, infinite, immeasurable and IS indeed love itself – why would there only be 5 or 7 or any other number? What if that thing you see in your child or partner doesn’t fit neatly into the list of 5?? AWESOME I say!! You found a new language group!
I have a few more which I have named myself.
8. Appreciation.
We have a few kids that are super good at saying thankyou. Yes, in one way that could be ‘words of encouragement’ but they are not necessarily verbose in other ways, but the way they express thanks goes way beyond rote manners… it’s from someplace deep.
9. Being annoying.
We have one in particular that likes to be annoying. I will find myself being
bumped at most inopportune moments… or having my keyboard tapped on while I’m
typing opening up 38 more windows… or find a spud on my chair… or pegs
clipped into my hair. Annoying for it’s own sake? No. Physical touch and
closeness? Maybe… sorta… not really… I receive it as affection.
10. Decisional Actions.
We have a couple that do quite biggish things… sometimes service… sometimes
gifts… different from one time to the next so they don’t fit a pattern in the
top 5 above… but things they decide on and carry out. Love? Yes. Neat and tidy
box? Not in the 5, but yes… now I’ve made it it’s own category.
How does this all sit with you? Is it all new? Has it become ‘old’? What things have you seen in your nearest and dearest? … ‘scuse me now. I’m off to go speak annoying to a certain offspring…