Have you ever noticed that all the internet quotes on forgiveness only ever seem to focus on one side of the coin? They say things like “unless you can forgive you won’t move on” and how forgiveness frees the one who forgives from bitterness etc etc etc. I do agree with them but they only present one side of a coin – it’s almost as though we are all the forgivers and no-one causes the pains/offenses.
Not true. I think we are each – both.
Have you ever needed forgiveness from another person? I have.
Over 30 years ago I got myself into a pickle of a situation which hurt another person deeply. I didn’t truly care at the time… all I could see was my own opinion… but I did the right thing and wrote this person an apology and asked forgiveness. It was given, and I felt no better because although I knew I had done wrong I had never been sincere in the asking. If anything – the forgiveness annoyed me. It took a mighty long time for me to later realise the impact I had on that person. Part of me has wondered if I shouldn’t try to find them and and apologise with my heart now that I ‘get’ it.
Another time more recently I became aware I needed to ask forgiveness of my lovely Dad. I had said something I thought he must have overheard, that out of the context that the person I was speaking to understood… it would have felt dreadful to him to hear cold. Now surely I’m not the only one who finds this great blockage in being able to ask for forgiveness? – but it took me several weeks to pluck up the courage (as if I’d need courage where my Dad is concerned – it was all about ME) and to write him a note explaining the context and showing him how desperately bad I felt at the idea my words might have caused him hurt. In his lovely low-key way, he let me know he’d never heard the remark therefore hadn’t been hurt but appreciated that I’d care and follow through in making things right in case there HAD been hurt. Sweet relief on two fronts!
And the time I asked someone to forgive me that has held the most impact, was with Rod. He’d asked me a direct question, and I told him a bold-faced lie. I felt the heat rise up inside me… felt my pupils go strange… felt this kind of tension blanket my body in the knowledge of my deceit. Weeks went by and while he never knew – and never WOULD have found me out, that feeling of white horror never left me. I began sleeping fitfully… eventually having nightmares… I’m sure he must have been able to tell something was wrong but the idea of confession had become an internal Mount Everest that I was terrified to climb. Why the terror? Why do any of us do that – particularly when it’s someone we love, and who we know loves us? I think it’s based in pride because when a person truly loves us (as with my Dad and with Rod) then there is no fear of retribution… it’s about loss of self-image… or something. Not altogether sure.
But anyway, I don’t know how long went by but I think it was a couple of months, and the conviction that I needed to tell him grew and grew, and my mountain grew and grew too.
Finally I couldn’t stand the crashing inside my head any more, so one night in bed I tremulously said “Honey… there’s something I need to tell you” and in just a few words I confessed my lie. I don’t remember if I said the words “please forgive me” but I do know that he gave it. He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead and let me cry while my mountain disappeared into the horizon and and the sweet relief of forgiveness… no debt to pay… acceptance and love washed over me.
Those quotes that do the rounds – I think they are designed with good intentions but I’ve never seen their corollary… their complement… their flip side. I’ve seen none written by a person who’s been forgivEN.
Forgiveness is equally difficult to give and to seek; to work toward and to accept.
Equally hard. Equally necessary. Equally beautiful. Equally powerful.
Obviously it doesn’t always go well.
Obviously, many times only one side enters in.
But we’re not always, only, the forgivers. Sometimes we are… or can be… the forgiven.