I’m aware of how strange some of this sounds even though the memories are precious to me…
I grew up in a home where I heard the Bible read aloud almost every day… where we went to church and learned memory verses… camps where we had “sword drills” (finding a specific place in the Bible as fast as possible and raising it in the air to see who’d be first), with parents who honoured it and its Author with their hearts, souls and lives.
I first read the Bible through at about age 15 and as I’ve said before – it had about as much impact on me as reading the phone book might have done. I read it mainly to be able to say I had done so. Not very spiritual.
For most of my adult life I’ve approached the Bible as a book I figured I knew pretty well. I went to it to find the sections already so familiar… to teach the kids… to write a talk… to look for comfort.
It was when I was 10 years old that I first was aware that I personally needed to respond to God. I remember the weight of conviction. It was heavy, it was real. And my 10 year old self told the Lord that I surrendered all. (That’s the title of an old hymn). The joy I felt was also palpable. No imagination. No hype. Just He and I.
I remember feeling ‘hugged’ for days… standing on the veranda of a demountable classroom at Darlington Primary School in the lunchtime sunshine – KNOWING His love.
My faltering hand reached for the bread and ‘wine’ the very next Sunday at church, having never done that before and with no formal liturgy to pass through for that to be OK, and the awareness of the joy my mum felt as she understood the significance of that move.
Somewhere around 16 I began the process of unsurrendering myself till I was sailing my own ship again pretty much fully for the next few years. At least in terms of wilful choices.
But I never stopped knowing He was there. In fact the knowledge was downright uncomfortable as I’d have much preferred Him at times to NOT be.
So at age 23 – I “surrendered all” – again. His peace whispered away the silent scream of separation.
That hymn has followed me my whole life.
I’ve sung it so many times – thinking I mean it – and I have – and yet have kept on finding more to surrender.
So about 9 years ago now, some circumstances took place that stripped me bare. My life now has a kind of BC-AD division from that time, and from there I went to the Bible as though I’d never seen it before.
I went to it crying…
“Who ARE you?”
“What HAVE you promised?”
“Is the teaching I’ve had on ‘this thing or that thing’ REALLY here?”
And from there, the wonder of this Book opened up to me.
It actually took on a kind of Life that I’d only previously experienced in tiny snatches.
I discovered the Author who had long held me within the very words. I found it IS His words to me (us). I found it IS alive and powerful. I found it IS sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword and able to cut between soul and spirit and between joint and marrow. I found it DOES expose our innermost thoughts and desires. I found it infused with His life, and a mystery to be unpacked with His help. I would never have chosen the circumstances that stripped me and that sent me searching but I needed new eyes so He gave them to me.
Now when I sing that old hymn… I quake just a little knowing there’s always more to surrender but equally knowing the surrender is a blessing and that He will take me through.
If you’re not familiar with the hymn, have a listen here.