Category: Grief

There was a post in a group for big families about “mother guilt”… I wrote this post there but thought I’d share it here too as I think it applies no matter whether we have 1 child or 13…

When we had our 6th I spoke to our obstetrician who was an older father of 6 and said “how can we be sure we will be able to give each of our kids what they really need from us?”. He put his pen down and leaned back in his chair smiling and slightly shaking his head… I KNEW he understood my question. I don’t remember everything he said but one of the things was that not everything our kids need has to come from US as their parents. That slightly discomforted me because in essence I really WANTED to be the sun in our kids worlds… (another issue to work on) but the very next morning as I went to wake kids for school, there was the 3 yo in bed with the 7 yo being read a story. And I understood what the Dr had said – and was happy about it.

His other answers would have been from the perspective of an older parent along the lines of… our kids (like us) have their whole lives to fill. To learn, to grow, to experience. We don’t need to pack it all into their childhoods. And not everything we want to give are the same as what they actually NEED…

And to that I would now add:
– concentrate on what they need, not on what we want, or even on what we think they want – and we will find MUCH less to feel guilty about. Love, safety, security – our best to deliver a whole and rounded life… these are their true needs…

– recognise the difference between guilt and grief. Guilt implies that there is something we could have or should have done differently. Guilt implies wrongdoing or harm caused. If something is true guilt – we can usually do something about it… change the scenario, apologise, restore with he person we harmed… But no child is harmed by lack of luxury and these are so often the things we feel ‘guilty’ over.

– Looking back there’s not a lot I feel *guilty of (have tried to keep short records with our kids – not because I’ve done it all perfectly – and still talking to them about things now they’re nearly all grown up), but there are a number of things I feel a measure of ‘grief’ over. Sadness for a few of life’s ‘optionals’ that we just couldn’t do because of time or money or prioritization restraints… and that’s OK. Guilt is debilitating – particularly false guilt . Its like continually feeling compelled to run into a rock wall as though you should be able to run through it when you cannot. Grief or sadness IS still sad, its a statement of how it is, but it doesn’t bruise OR abuse us in the same way.

– every single family, big or small has its own set of restrictions. We live much more content and peacefully when we accept whatever our OWN sets of restrictions and benefits are.

PS Date: 18 June 2020
My understanding of the way I mothered has grown over the last 6 years since writing this and apart from rewriting the whole thing – just want to add a couple of things.
Guilt is something Jesus paid to take off my shoulders so in the last 6 years as I’ve come to understand some things differently, I have indeed had washes and waves come over me as I see things I wish I’d done different if only I’d understood then. The stunning thing about His love though is that even while the retrospective realisations are true – He also takes the these burdens off me as I turn each of those things… and the kids themselves with all the results and effects to Him for His care. I’ve known some fresher sorrows, but He calls me to trust Him.