I saw a short video a few days ago of actors in the street portraying a loud argument as a couple. First, the man pushing, shoving and shouting at a woman, and then the reverse. In the first portrayal, many passers-by asserted support for the woman. In the second – no passers-by came to support the man. For a 60 second video – this exposed and challenged previously subconscious assumptions to a disproportionate degree.
If a woman is screaming, demeaning, shoving or slapping, shouting and berating a man – why would I assume he’s not just as trapped as a woman in the reverse situation?
A simple ‘advantage’ an abusive communicator will employ is that they will say and do things the other would not; so the desire to do right will become a place of leverage to the abuser. That’s not a gender issue.
Women are as capable as men or employing abusive communication. It’s a sin problem not unique to gender. Of course there are vast complexities in every situation but the purpose of this post is to make available some resources for men and their helpers for when the day comes that confusion clears in glimpses to the realities of the sickness within the relationship.
Many of the issues are the same regardless of the gender of the perpetrator but there are some specific ways that the messages of a female abuser can be compounded in the heart of a man by the language and greater availability of resources addressing only women as victims. It is my sincere hope that these offerings might be a restorative balm and a pivot point.
Please bear in mind that the links below are from international sources so any listed helplines are not relevant to Australia.
In Australia the Mens DV helpline number is a free call: 1800 000 599
Yet when there are no bruises, most on the receiving end of harmful communication patterns are initially unable to recognise their situations as abusive… if this is you, yet you know your relationship has you in deep confusion… read on.
Men are also victims of emotional abuse
By Leslie Vernick
“Recently I’ve encountered more men who experience marital abuse, both verbal and physical. Sadly there is not a lot of conversation about marital abuse when the victim is male. Even less so in the Christian community. Imagine how alone and isolated these men feel without a community of other men who know what they’ve been through and who offer loving Biblical support as the women here on this site receive. Women are not immune to becoming abusive. As many of you know, my own mother was abusive and I have a close male family member who was verbally and emotionally squashed by his wife. Today’s question comes from a man who wants to know why I don’t talk more about men being abused…” Click on title above to continue to article.
Why Reconcilliation is not a requirement
Youtube 27 minutes – Patrick Doyle
Note from Heather: Patrick Doyle had been in an emotionally abusive marriage. He currently ministers mainly to women yet his own experience means he holds a perspective worth remembering for any male listeners seeking help via this list. This video is included on this page since an extremely common fear for receiver of emotional abuse is that if/when the perpetrator of the harm against them is seemingly repentant and/or behaving well, that there exists an obligation to return – particularly evident in the faith community. There are so very many steps between abuse and any potential for reconciliation. Many. This video brings some of them to the foreground and equates reconciliation with trust. This equation is absolutely paramount. Well worth watching. Click on title above to continue to Youtube.
10 signs you’re the husband of an abusive wife
By Ball Morse Low
“Domestic abuse is an allegation that is commonly raised within the family law setting, however, what defines domestic abuse is often confusingly limited to physical violence. It’s more common to see emotional abuse in marriages ending in divorce, and the abuser is less likely to be the husband as some may believe. Some studies suggest that up to 40% of domestic abuse is carried out against the husband, but that number is hard to specify because men are less likely to report abuse or claim abuse out of embarrassment, fear, or uncertainty of being believed… Click on title above to continue to article.
How do you know if you’re in an abusive relationship?
By Andrew Pain
“After 7 years of being in an abusive relationship, I didn’t actually know that I was in an abusive relationship! I always knew I had a difficult marriage, but it wasn’t until 2006, when a neighbour witnessed me being attacked and used the words domestic abuse, that the penny started to drop. At first, I tried to discredit it: maybe my neighbour was just over-reacting? But the more I reflected on it, the more I started to ask myself important questions…” Click on title above to continue to article.
Is a man you know a victim? Spotting the signs
From: mankind.org.uk
“There is a range of support and information available to help male victims of domestic abuse escape and for friends, family and work colleagues to help too. Whilst you cannot always tell what goes on behind closed doors, there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional, psychological or physical abuse. If you notice these warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or work colleague, please think how you can help him escape. It is key to remember that domestic abuse does not always mean physical violence – it also covers coercive and controlling behaviour, including psychological and emotional control. Some men do not suffer from violence but suffer terrible psychological and emotional abuse...” Click on title above to continue to article.
Printable booklet: Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships
– it happens and it matters.
Alberta Human Services
“Abuse in intimate relationships is a pattern of behaviour where one partner dominates, belittles or humiliates the other over months and years. Abuse of men by their partners happens when the partner uses emotional, physical, sexual or intimidation tactics. She does it to control the man, get her own way and prevent him from leaving the relationship. The abused man is always adapting his behaviour to do what his partner wants, in the hopes of preventing further abuse. The primary motive for abuse is to establish and maintain power and control over a partner. The abused partner may resist the attempts to control him. In turn, the abusive woman takes additional steps to regain control over her partner. Abuse in intimate relationships is not typically an isolated incident. Abuse happens over time. Typically, if abuse is allowed to continue, it becomes more frequent and more severe. Abuse is always a choice. Whatever people’s background or experience, they must take responsibility for their actions. No one has the right to abuse omeone else, and no one deserves abuse...”
Click on title above to continue to article.
CONTENTS
So what is abuse?
A pattern of controlling behaviour
Control tactics: four kinds of abuse
Changing or leaving an abusive relationship: it’s not that simple
Why stay in an abusive relationship?
Society’s attitudes can make it harder
Changing or leaving is a process, not an event
An abusive environment harms children now and in their future
How can I tell if my relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive?
If you are in an abusive relationship
Nine things you can do if you are being abused by your partner
Six things to do if there are children in your household
Safety planning
If you are concerned about a man you know
Clues that a man may be in an abusive relationship
How you can help
If you suspect that a man you know is in an abusive relationship
If a man tells you he is in an abusive relationship
If you know a woman who abuses family members
Get help
For female receivers/victims/survivors, and for men ready to weather the predominance of resource addressed to women – please see my page “Highly Recommended”.