Once upon a time, before I was a mother, I used to sew and design clothes for a number of ladies. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from this period of my life is that most women (I never sewed for any men) have parts of ourselves we want to hide or disguise and/or other parts to flatter and promote.
One woman had me make French knickers by the tens… she would not wear any other knickers as they were all she felt would stop her outer-wear clinging to her squidgy bits. Another woman made sure I always covered her upper arms as she didn’t like the skin there, absolutely nothing could be sleeveless. One had to cover her knees at all cost for cellulite that I couldn’t see. This was in my shoulder pad phase so everything I made for myself (or bought for that matter) had to have Velcro strips sewn in so as to wear the shoulder pads to correct my sloping unfashionable shoulders (and never mind my squidgy bits for now – I could write a book on their attempted disguise).
I was staggered that other women were fragile about their appearances. And beyond sewing, for others I learned it’s their teeth, their hair, their nose or chin. AMAZING! The only hang-up I ever had was my size… I could scarcely BELIEVE anyone SLIM… ANYONE slim could think such thoughts about their upper arms, knees, teeth or chin! Made me wonder, if I was skinny, what would I be anxious about? I ASSUMED weight was the only hang up a person could have…
This very same assumption has steered me in other ways too. Every time I don’t think it does, I’ll realise again, that it has.
Like the sewing, something else that has pushed me outside my natural place of comfort, was sharing with groups of mothers. Before every single new place I went, I’d invariably imagine a totally thin group of women, all with tamed hair, dressed impeccably and without the slightest hippy tendency to flowing colourful clothing. All ready to hold me at arm’s length. One group that shattered my assumption was one I was most frightened of. A ‘city’ church of young mums with which my imagination and frailties previously ran riot. It was half as I pictured – slim crowd, fashionable, beautiful… but proved to be one of the most welcoming groups I’d ever been with. They knocked my socks off with friendliness!!
In these groups I met so many women I otherwise would not have gotten to know.
One woman I was scared of, became a very dear friend. Another who I thought wouldn’t want to know me, thought I wouldn’t want to know HER. Another who I was so sure wouldn’t want to know me was in such turmoil in her family held herself aloof from everyone – not just me as I thought – until she felt safe. Another I thought was so young and slim, she wouldn’t want to spend time with someone old and chunky – but she did! Time and again, assumptions proven wrong. Time and again, my own issues and frailties unconsciously driving my choices.
Assumptions. We all make them.
Frailties. We’ve all got them.