I could honestly write my own book on Boundaries – but I’d be in trouble for plagiarism since most of it would come from these sources. So I guess won’t be writing that book. 🙂
I will however post some names and links of the authors/speakers I’ve gone to to learn. Basically if you go to Youtube and pop in any of the following names you will find material I consider to be reliable, Biblical and very very helpful.
I once asked one of our kids what a boundary was, and what it was for. I’ve never heard a better definition than the one he gave me that day which was this:
“A boundary
is something that keeps
some things in
and other things out,
and the things that are in:
– safe“
Boundaries are about what belongs to me, and what belongs to you and how we respect those borders. The closest of relationships will have the most merging, but in order for the ‘safe’ part to also be true, should also have the most respect which I think can be where the issues start to flag us down. Is it that the ‘other’ doesn’t respect, or doesn’t know? – and that is why the authors of the original Boundaries book say that boundaries need to be visible. And that’s another layer of difficulty for those of us who prefer conflict avoidance, or who assume those lines should be known and obvious. Le sigh.
I did take some convincing to accept how Biblical the concept of boundaries is – the longer I’m around the more clearly I see it. If you’re in doubt, read Genesis chapters 1-4 and look for boundaries set by God. Then give Proverbs a look-see with the same viewfinder on His boundaries for relationships and behaviour.
My favourite example though is here in Galations 6:1-6 – look for the words ‘burden‘ and load‘ – their meaning is not the same.
Galations 6:1-6 –Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.
I must carry my load. You must carry yours. Our teenagers must carry theirs and a 3 year old is learning to carry theirs too. My load includes the use of my time, talents, workload, relationships, morals, choices, finances AND the transfer for all that and more to each of our children. Your load is probably similar. A teenagers will be their schoolwork, attitudes, chores and belongings, and a 3 year olds might be their kindy backpack and putting away their toys. Our loads are proportionate to our age, responsibility and freedom, learning to manage them takes time and the transfer from 100% stewardship of a baby’s boundaries takes care and consideration, consistency, example and wisdom to become 100% theirs within around 18 years.
Burdens however, are bigger than loads. Burdens are heavier, the extra, the unexpected – they might look the same as as a load when there is physical or mental illness or the death of a loved one or a natural disaster – but personal ‘loads’ are not to be ‘shared’ and borne as though they are ‘burdens’ from the poor time managment or irresponsibility of those who might like it to be so.
Burdens and loads.
Boulders and backpacks.
Fences, respect and safety.
This is the session I’d say to start with John T.
Dr. John Townsend
* Excellent intro session here
* Flowchart I made from the session above to help myself when I had a super difficult situation to figure out. (See image at the end of this post)
Henry is my number 1 go-to for more specific boundaries topics.
Dr. Henry Cloud
* Youtube channel here
* Henry has a fantastic website here – pretty cheap monthly suscription and 14 days free to begin. I cannot overstate how great this content is.
Patrick goes into more specific scenarios with more difficult situations – addiction etc.
Patrick Doyle
* Good starting session here
Kevin is a U.S. pastor whose writing on a range of topics including boundaries is excellent.
Kevin A Thompson
* Website here
Shiela writes prolifically and predominantly on Christian women’s issues – marriage, sex, boundaries and more.
Shiela Wray Gregoire
* Website here
Whether or not there is a narcissist active in your life, Dr Les’s advice will help you learn how to maintain your dignity and see more clearly in difficult situations with tricky people.
Dr Les Carter
* Youtube channel – surviving narcissism
And for the really difficult end of the boundaries in marriage spectrum, Leslie .
Leslie Vernick
* Website here
* Facebook page here (see videos)
