We have 7 amazing kids. Except I falter at calling them kids anymore since 6 of them are adults between the ages of 19-29 (well almost 29. Make that 28 and 11/12ths).
I LOVE this phase of ‘parenting’ so much. (I used to think the newborn stage was my favourite – but maybe this is. Which’d be awesome since this phase lasts now till I croak it.) Part of why I love this phase so much is because the work is ‘done’ and I get to enjoy them all in a different way to before… alongside them as much as they welcome me – with different senses of freedom for each than when they were smaller.
There were some hair raising things along the way for absolutely sure – but for the most part, I also loved the teen years. I loved watching the ‘becoming’… the deepening of the kinds of conversations as their worlds opened up and their maturity, giftings and directions took shape.
Transitions are always hard – and firsts are also usually hard. The whole of life is actually one epic transition – but the late teen years are what I mainly refer to here. The transition to adulthood is LOADED with firsts.
First permissions for scary new freedoms… first conversations on areas I never wanted to go… first decisions on parties and people and phones… first questions that show you your hero status days are shot… first serious confrontations – with self let alone with them… first times you stay up all night worrying… first parental arguments over the working-out of family ‘policy’ on matters arising… first driving lesson… first driving test… first drive alone… first time taking friends in their cars… first jobs… first times interacting as an adult without your advocacy or involvement… first loves and losses… so many firsts. There are some odd advantages of being child numbers 3,4,5 and beyond! Hopefully some of the kinks have been worked out for their sakes. And eventually the older one or two may get some parental apologies – which are a whole new arena of necessary firsts in parental experience.
I am sometimes shocked by the questions people can ask about our adult kids. Here’s a selection:
- Do you think they’ll get married?
- How much do they earn?
- How much do they pay?
- When will they have kids?
- And the corker of all corkers – Are they using birth control?
I guess I am shocked for several different reasons. Remember – this is in reference to adult offspring not teenagers…
a) They are questions I don’t ask of them
b) It is not their business even if they’re simply curious
c) Why they think it’s appropriate to ask
d) Why they feel they should know
e) The frequent inference of ‘should’ hidden in a question and
f) Because my not having asked those questions isn’t usually a choice to refrain – It’s that those questions don’t even occur to me to ask – because it’s not my business, it isn’t appropriate for me to ask, I do not feel I should be told, and my heart has freed them to their own choices, decisions and outcomes.
A 10 year old might need to answer whether they’ve done their homework – but a married daughter doesn’t have to tell me anything she doesn’t choose to. Does that mean I can’t ask her anything? – no that’s daft. It’s relationship based. I trust her. And I want her to trust my (hopefully) non invasiveness.
But that was a transition. With each of them.
It happens beautifully when the demonstrated responsibility matches the new levels of desired freedoms. But it happens with age anyway, even when responsibility doesn’t match the desired freedoms. One kind will give you joy – the other kind will give you grey hair and sleepless nights – but also hopefully some serious growth in wisdom and prayer.
But either way, when parents relinquish responsibility that no longer belongs to them, there’s a better pathway to free relationships. There’s so much less futility by not trying to control what isn’t yours, so much more peace in not having an opinion on everything and so much less angst in letting them choose, live and be – hopefully with desired input from their olds from time to time – but that’s going to be relationship based too – just one of the fruits of whatever has gone before.
Letting go of the controls is hard. But not letting go frustrates and stifles all involved. It creates overdependence or avoidance in the passive young adult, resentment, confusion or god-complexes in the corresponding parent… angry conflict, broken relationships and preferred distance in more overt young adults with angry, resentful, whiny, guilt inducing parents – and that’s just a slice of potential outcomes.
Possibly the hardest part in all these areas of transition – is not that they need to happen, but discerning when they should happen balanced beside the investment of love and time that makes you want to grip the wheel beyond when it’s time to let them have a go.
And letting go too soon, well that’s another story.
I think you should submit this for publication in a magazine. It’s a wonderful piece of work – both in terms of content and writing style.
Looooove this – so much to learn along this stunning journey. So liberating to release those we love to become themselves, without casting agendas on them that are our own.
Thank you, dear friend, for your wisdom, and for sharing your ponderings generously. XXX
Thankyou both – very kind words.