Forgiveness – The ideas attributed to forgiveness are often pre-packaged with a whole host of assumptions, a tonne of pain, a few shovelfuls of offence, confusion about moving forward etc etc etc and when you’re in the middle of a knot it can be pretty tricky to figure out which is what. It’s also pretty often that the knot itself is what gets in the way of being able to forgive when we assume more is meant by it than is so.
When we start to untangle the pieces and isolate what forgiveness actually is we can find ourselves more ready to take that step.
(I am very aware of some of the different situations people are currently in – and also aware that as I write I’m doing so in reference to events that are past, not situations currently being experienced in an ogoing way. I do recognise those situations are even more complex so please know this is in no way an exhaustive look at the topic)
Forgiveness isn’t:
* automatic restoration of trust
* automatic restoration of closeness
* automatic restoration of relationship
* automatic restoration of position or power
* and it is most assuredly NOT saying it didn’t matter
* magically going to make the sorrow of it disappear but it will open the door
to that being possible.
* and neither does it allow, legitimise or sanction ongoing wrongdoing.
So when we pull away all the strands that don’t belong we are left with something that can still be pretty monumental, but at least it’s not tangled with a stack of other issues.
At its best, forgiveness is a two way thing where – whether asked for or offered, it is received with understanding and those involved can move forward together. However if we separate the issues even further, forgiveness begins in just one person.
It is possible, OK and sometimes necessary to forgive but not remain in relationship to a person.
It is possible, OK and sometimes necessary to forgive, restore the relationship but reapproach trusting with caution and checkpoints.
It is possible, OK and sometimes necessary to forgive and restore relationship but not allow the person the same level of position, power or authority they previously held.
It is possible to forgive, rare to forget, and I don’t know who is responsible for that idea when learning the lessons and implementing new ways forward, depends on not forgetting. It is foolish to repeat a folly and wise to learn from it.
Now I know not everyone that might read this draws from the Bible as I do, but its an integral part of what I want to say here so I hope you’ll keep reading…
Throughout the Bible, when it speaks of God ‘remembering’, it is to do with it being a time of readiness for action. There is no hint of Him having forgotten, it’s that it is now time to ACT. (Look up the remembering verses and see for yourself – or message me and I’ll send some to you). I’m very aware I’ll be at odds with the teaching that says God forgets our sin… it doesn’t say that. It says He will remember it no more. Yes He will remove it (and its effects) as far as the east from the west… He will remember it against us no more… He will not remember it with action or punishment but can He forget the reason for the Cross? Anyway…
Remembering that something happened that hurt you is not wrong. Learning from it is important.
It is the remembering with malice, intent or desire for harm or retribution that is the issue. As is wallowing.
Being able to forgive, perhaps even as a one sided thing, is helped along by realising that I myself, am fully capable of inflicting pain. Perhaps not the same pain, but pain nonetheless. This I believe is one outworking of humility. The offences might be different but the capacity is there.
From there is the knowledge that I have needed, desired and been grateful for forgiveness granted to ME. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve hurt others with my words. I’ve been grateful when it’s given and distraught when it hasn’t. Remembering this, and granting forgiveness as a result, is one outworking of “loving my neighbour as myself”. Giving, what I myself have also desired, and likely will again. Not giving an eye for an eye response where true pain is inflicted, is one outworking of mercy.
The fear of God is another hot topic. (Francis Chan has the best explanation of this I’ve seen. See youtube). Its a paradox to fear AND not be afraid at the same time. However, having a functioning fear of God is also an aid to forgiving… He tells us “vengeance is mine – I will repay”, and down to the bottom of my boots, unless you’re of the ilk of Hitler, I wouldn’t wish God’s vengeance on anybody. Knowing this changes how we think about the person who hurt us. It may be someone you love that you want full restoration with, and it may be someone you never need/want to see again so that has an impact but from this point I am free to pray or desire for the person to grow, to change, to develop wisdom in an area for their own sake and the sake of their lives and relationships (including me) but I can hope for their good in the revealing of truth instead of reflected and returned hurt.
When we’ve been hurt, no matter how warped that might end up looking, at the core – we desire justice. Something has been trespassed, broken, lost, harmed without our assent. That is unjust.
There are tangibles and intangibles that may or may not be able to be restored.
Justice feels thwarted when life has truly been unfair.
Hurting someone back isn’t justice.
Righting a wrong is justice. (And protecting from further wrongdoing is also justice).
Bottom line – some things can never be repaired, restored or repaid.
Recognising the impossibility of the other to repair, restore or repay is imperative. It is futile to go on wishing or hoping for that which is impossible to be achieved.
Stopping there… resting there… means our wheels can stop hopelessly spinning in dust.
Forgiveness recognises the person cannot repay.
Forgiveness lets go of an impossibility and ceases striving for it.
Forgiveness allows stillness.
The forgiver absorbs the cost.
Did you get that?
The forgiver absorbs the cost.
Forgiveness says “I release you from this debt”.
A ledger keeps track of transactions in and out. Forgiveness rules it off and says we’re starting over from this point.
Is that fair? Yes and no in different contexts – but it is what it is.
Now most of this has been one sided – and of course the fullest beauty of forgiveness is when both parties enter in and full restoration takes place. And moving forward has many more strands to unravel.
In terms of trust – consider context, frequency, and characterisation, willingness to own and grow from what took place.
And in terms of full restoration – they must enter the process. This can’t be one sided.
Forgiveness can be requested or offered. Granted or withheld.
“Please forgive me” are words that tend to choke in our throats. I’ve tried to practise it with our children but it still doesn’t come easy. Why I wonder…
…The usual culprits – pride and fear. Getting over the hurdle of actually confessing wrong is hard. And fear? – fear of being perceived weak, of being vulnerable to rejection, fear of the impact somehow not mattering and the fear of allowing the same to recur in letting go.
But forgiveness is where there is peace.
So forgiveness can be one way. Restoration can only be two-way.
Forgiveness says:
* I am going to stop requiring the impossible of you
* I will neither desire nor hurt you in return
* I will learn the lessons and apply them
* I will not wield this offence to render you unequal
* I lay it down
* I will remember it against you no more.
Forgiveness isn’t only an event. It’s a place to camp out.
Two things to finish off…
Have you ever thought about offering forgiveness when it hasn’t been sought? It wouldn’t alwayd be appropriate but I’ve seen a person who couldn’t get the words out of their mouth break down and accept it when it was offered. And that is Jesus model of the cross – He offers it perpetually – we just have to enter in.
The Cross is forgiveness extended by the Father through the Son.
We just need to enter that process. And if you’re not sure why or what is needed to be forgiven – ask Him to show you, expect that He will, and He will.
So when we come to the Communion table however often we do, we’re saying:
“Jesus I remember what it cost you to absorb the price for me”.