On this night ten years ago we waited with anxious hearts for this one more night which was to make the difference between teams of doctors and nurses working to save – or not – the life of our first little (tiny) grandbaby. 22 weeks and 6 days gestation – certain death… 23 weeks gestation – full support and a chance at life.
Our minds had been crashing for months already – Such young parents… so many brigdes to cross… so many issues… so much to consider… so many ripples – and that was just from the initial news but these days of delayed but certain labour had us all strung like never before and never since.
So many questions… should the staff hold off the labour as long as possible or let the baby come now and die? What sort of a question even IS that?… When the baby came, should the staff work to save the child or let nature take its course? WHAT SORTS OF QUESTIONS ARE THESE? Axis tipping, mind breaking ones – that’s what sort they are.
And the next day, hours before he came, I don’t even know how I drove safely. Our 3 month old in my arms – sick and with no sleep, I sat at a distance in the labour ward as our son did his level best to help his girl on their 4th day at the hospital. A senior nurse sitting with us explaining and asking more questions… would they like a priest to come? (What – thinks I?!?!?! We’re not Catholic… keep quiet Heather, these questions aren’t for you) … would they like the baby to be baptised at birth? (What – thinks I?!?!? We’re not into infant baptism… oh wait… she thinks the baby is going to die right off and she thinks this will be a comfort… baptism shmaptism… this baby’s going to heaven anyway… hang on -now I’m thinking this little one will die… where’s my hope? Keep quiet Heather, these questions aren’t for you. You are the grandmother not the parent.)… and if a priest didn’t have time the nurse could baptise for them instead… etc etc etc.
Brain breaking, axis tipping, mind crashing days.
Days where I also learned to lean into God like never, ever, before, but have done so for many days since, because then it got really rough.