I’ve never believed that PMS is an excuse for bad behaviour. It might be a reason, but it’s not an excuse. That was easier in the days when it never affected me but these days there’s a couple of times in the month when my tolerance factor drops waaaaaaaaaay down from my fairly placid usual self. I still believe PMS isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour but I’ve discovered that just knowing that, doesn’t give way to automatically behaving well… and even less so, feeling like I WANT to behave well.
A few years ago, an older woman I love made an offhand remark that stuck with me. It presented a puzzle which I have nibbled on as it has returned occasionally to my mind. She’s retired but has worked in a medical capacity which is part of why the remark stuck. We were talking about how we as women react to things and I mentioned my cyclic kinds of reactions and she said “I really hate that! Is that all we are? Just a bundle of chemical reactions?” She was not putting me down at all and because of her medical background I figure more than most, she understands the interplay and interconnection between body and mind, and also being a spiritual mentor – she certainly understands the additional layer of spirit over those… but since that remark, I have often thought about how the reduction of our responses to formulas and chemical/physiological reasonings also has the effect of somehow reducing our humanity and our spiritual component.
Yesterday, I bought a new electrical gadget. Before I ordered it I contacted the company and asked for the warranty information… after a run-in on extended warranty over our washing machine last year, I wanted to see exactly what and how this new dooverdad would be looked after in the event of a problem.
And then this morning….
This morning I had something of an issue with lack of graciousness. (That is Christianese for chucking a little tanty). The person who affected me didn’t see it but the kin around me did. Something happened and I was not gracious. I did not feel gracious. I did not want to be gracious and I did not want to want to be gracious…. though I knew I should. I guess knowing the should is at least a base plate, but I really struggled. Then as the morning progressed and I thought about how I was reacting, where I am at in my cycle, the comment of my older friend above – I was reminded that I have broken bits inside me. And then the way I’d focussed in on the warranty issue yesterday came to mind. Yes I have broken bits but I also have a Maker who cares, and a Maker who repairs and rebuilds broken bits. A Maker who is interested in helping me and shaping me into His creation.
And so I prayed a new prayer… something like this… “Today Lord, I am more acutely aware that I am in need of You. My broken bits are playing up. I need You to help me be what You want, because today, I can’t, by myself”.
And He did. But I so much look forward to the day that operating in my Makers nature becomes more natural to me. This sanctification business is taking a while